With the insane amount of, well, insanity, that goes on in Scandal, just about everyone could use a drink or two pretty much all the time. However, none of them really do (at least, that we see anyway) with the exception of three characters in recent episodes. Of these three, I decided to find out which one is my spirits spirit animal.
My first thought was to design a Buzzfeed quiz based on personality traits, but where’s the fun in that? (DISCLAIMER: That was a rhetorical question. I live and die by Buzzfeed quizzes. I base real-life decision on my Buzzfeed quiz results) So, this week I decided that I would just try all three styles out and pick which one I liked the best.
Jake – The Binger
Jake has had a long week. Or month. Months? I’m not entirely sure of the time span for this half-season, but regardless it’s been rough for him. He needs a drink. His method of choice? Binging (Note the blog-ception). Basically, all the stress, self-loathing and unrequited love caught up to him and was beginning to weigh on him. So, he set aside a few hours of his night to pound a few shots and chug a couple beers and just let himself be hammered for a few hours. Enter my Friday night. I was talked into going to a party I had no desire to go to. I was bummed the boy I liked didn’t like me back. So, I pulled a Jake. I let the booze flow and I let it all go. And boy, was I hammered. But you know what? It worked. It made me loose. I had fun. I joked with the bouncer who has refused to card me anymore and chatted up the bartenders who know me on a first name basis. I (attempted to) help a strange man win back his ex-girlfriend after he kindly bought me a drink and vented to me (he didn’t take my advice and surely did things he probably regretted the next day, but hey, at least he was also channeling his inner Jake). I thoroughly enjoyed myself and everyone around me. I forgot about my petty “problems” – if you can even call them that, I honestly was probably just being a brat that day – and had a fantastic night. In the episode, Jake didn’t have such a good night, but I can’t help that he’s a sad drunk and I’m a happy one.
Mellie – The Day Drinker
Poor Mellie can’t catch a break. Her husband cheats on her for years, she lives every day in fear that her son is the byproduct of the horrifying night her father-in-law forced himself on her, and when she finally gets the chance to be loved and touched by a man who actually wants her, her indignant (and disgustingly hypocritical) husband forbids it in a jealous rage. Mellie needs a drink. But why stop at one? Why stop at all? Mellie copes by continuously drinking, particularly during the day when she’s supposed to be working, by keeping herself in a constant fog of booze-induced numbness. I figured Easter Sunday was a great time to test this method. My cousin was graciously having family over for lunch/dinner, which meant two things: hilarious company and free drinks. And my cousin, being the amazingly perfect host he is, kept them coming all day. I was consistently fuzzy – but never quite drunk – for nine hours. It was glorious. Everything was funny. And, much to my amazement, I wasn’t even slightly hungover the next day. Replace Mellie snapping rude, yet deserved, one-liners at everyone with my laughing at everything everyone said and we were pretty much at the same level.
Olivia – I’ll only have one
Olivia just constantly has the weight of the world on her shoulders. Day in and day out she’s tackling a larger-than-life crisis, whether it’s trying to get the President re-elected, stopping an international terrorist who also happens to be her mother, or stopping a disgustingly and unnecessarily violent government agency that happens to be run by her father. And she does this all while having her heart ripped out on the regular because she can’t be with the man she loves because he’s the President and has an image to uphold for the sake of our great nation. Girl needs a DRINK. But only a drink. A glass of wine, to be exact. She may be dealing with more problems this week than most people have in their entire lifetimes, but she’s classy, strong, and independent (as in, she’s not even dependent on alcohol). So now we’ve reached my best friend’s birthday, which usually is the worst time to limit myself to only one glass of wine but it unfortunately fell on a Tuesday during finals week. So five of us split a bottle of chardonnay, leaving only enough for one glass each. I drank it, felt relaxed for maybe five minutes, and then forgot I even consumed any alcohol since the weekend. I don’t really understand why Olivia uses a glass of wine to unwind every night because I felt no different other than five minutes worth of extra elation. Maybe her glasses are just bigger than mine.
You Got: Jake You really enjoy the instant gratification of throwing back a bunch of tequila shots and calling it a night. You’re impatient, fun-loving, and a little bit reckless. But considering you’re Command of B6-13 and your entire life is monitored, scheduled, super-serious and out of your control, it’s only natural to want to have a night where rules and limits are two words that just aren’t in your vocabulary.